I remember vividly watching Anastasia walking up the stairs in her dark blue dress close to the last moments of the movie, and realizing I was in love with stories. It’s in that moment that Dimitri sees her as she truly is, a princess, someone untouchable for a kitchen boy. And yet, they have their happy ending.
The fact that this is the first memory I have of being inside a movie theater says a lot about me. I live for that magic cliché moment when my heart beats so fast it feels like it’ll burst out of my chest and nothing else exists. Lights off, fantasy on. My eyes and ears are there just for the movie.
There are very few moments where I can forget my anxiety and all the problems in my life and watching movies is one of them. Probably, my most favorite of them all. Inside those walls, in the darkness and silence, I believe the real world can be just as magical as the story in front of my eyes.
So why is it still so hard for me to see women like me on the big screen?
Thousands of movies are screened all over the world every year and very few of them are about women who love other women. Even fewer of these aren’t pure porn tragedy.
The first and only Sapphic love story I’ve seen on the big screen was Carol, less than two years ago. I remember feeling so giddy about seeing Therese walking into the last scene, ready to give us the happy ending we’ve been waiting for for so long.
I wish I could live in that moment forever. Repeating over and over again, just like I used to do with my favorite movies when I was a child.
Sapphic movies exist, of course, I’ve watched many of them. But my idealistic heart wanted something very specific.
My secret romantic side that I rarely talk about for people in real life, is completely enamored with them. I love the music, the scenery, the adorable moments in these movies where we see the couple slowly falling in love no matter what with a soft melody in the background.
I want this. I want to get into a room with a big screen and see Belle falling for a beast who is actually a princess. I want to see Snow White waking up to the kiss of a woman. Cinderella’s shoes being found by a princess.
And yet, I’m aware these aren’t things I’ll easily get anytime soon. I write these stories in hopes other people want them too, but sometimes even books aren’t enough. I can’t watch them on the big screen, with all the other people in silence in the dark, feeling that magic that only the theater gives me.
Will I ever be able to get this?
When are we going to get our happy endings like this? With the music! The magic kiss! The dramatic ending!
I want it all.
I want it more than I can tell, as Belle would say…. I want so much more than they’ve got planned.
No wonder she has always been my favorite princess.
When the villagers sang
Look there she goes, that girl is strange, no question
Dazed and distracted, can’t you tell?
Never part of any crowd
‘Cause her head’s up on some cloud
No denying she’s a funny girl that Maria
We don’t know what the future will bring, but I hope one day we can all watch the stories we dream of.
One day, I’ll get inside the room already smiling even before the lights turn off, knowing that this fairy tale will be for me and for all the other women like me.
Just as the last scene starts, the girls will hold hands and dance a beautiful song wearing their shiny dresses.
And this song will say that this kind of love is also for girls like us.
About the Author:
M. Hollis is a Brazilian YA/NA writer with a focus on F/F stories. When she isn’t scrolling around her social media accounts or reading lots of femslash fanfiction, you’ll find her crying about female characters and baking cookies. She wants to write many stories for women who love other women with happy endings and hopeful beginnings.
Social Media Links: